Deeper Meaning of Love

I am grateful for this year of learning a deeper meaning of love.  As my husband navigates unimaginable daily pain from cancer, I have been humbled to my knees as I let go of control and learn to love in a new way. The tapestry of our marriage is being stretched and reshaped, as we learn to adjust and live outside of the traditional marriage box. When Daniel left home two years ago to deal with his cancer on his own, for the longest time, I thought I must be the most awful wife if my husband with cancer would leave me.

Whatever sense of self-worth I had left me when my husband did.  I was starting at zero again.  The soul searching I've done to learn how to swim in a stormy ocean has caused me to throw out decades of outdated spiritual and emotional weight and only keep in the survival raft of things that would truly keep me afloat - no matter what.  I am finding that God is enough.  It's as if I died and could only take my Soul with me.  I get it now...our self-worth and validation really does comes from God, people's behavior can be hurtful, but it's just that - behavior - that needs healing, love, forgiveness - it does not define us.

At first I experienced God's mercy heal the darkest parts of me where I did not feel deserving.  Then, Jesus came to me one spring morning and told me to give him my burdens.  Within months, this led to my ocean baptism, more surrender and the most familiar loving relationship I've ever known.

I've been drawn to those who are as broken as me - they are everywhere - the homeless, the elderly, the hungry, the abused.  I've been focusing on being a channel for the love of Jesus to flow through me to others.  Then somewhere along the way I started to become a container that held the love of Jesus and God personally - feeling touched - that I was personally loved and this love was starting to spill over and touch lives.  I no longer felt as if I was just a channel - still undeserving to keep this love for myself.
I am grateful that I can grow in a sweeter love with my husband and be by his side no matter what.  This new love is less and less about "me" and more about the larger "us" and "we".  I see the journey of my pain as purposeful - to give me God's eyes for the broken-hearted - to give me God's love for humanity.  For this gift I am deeply grateful.